Forum Topic

Locked down/locked up

I'm not saying being locked down is a bad thing, but if it carries on much longer I'm going to become Britain's biggest fan of Gardeners' Question Time.

Ken Munn ● 2372d13 Comments

Presume your cooking skils are par excellence!

Jennifer Selig ● 2372d

I'm keep myself amused writing silly sketches like:-CHILD : Daddy daddy, what did you do during the war?DADDY: Don't be silly darling.  Daddy wasn't born until long after the war.CHILD: Oh.  Daddy daddy, what did you do during the coronavirus crisis?DADDY: Daddy was very busy advising people darling.CHILD: Oh daddy, you must have been very important.DADDY: Oh I don't know.  Quite important possibly.CHILD: Were you advising the Prime Minister daddy?DADDY: Not directly darling.CHILD: Daddy.  Did you give advice to the King?DADDY: In those days darling the king was a queen.  CHILD: Really daddy.  So were you advising the queen?DADDY: Not directly darling.  I was mainly advising the people of Chiswick. CHILD: Oh that's very important.  Daddy, what did you advise them on?DADDY: Well now.  Just about everything darling.CHILD: Everything!  That's wonderful.  My daddy was an expert on everything?DADDY: Perhaps not quite everything darling.  But lots of very different things.CHILD: Very very important things I bet.DADDY: Some of them were.  Others a bit less so.CHILD: Oh go on daddy.  Tell me the biggest thing you ever advised on.DADDY: Mmmm.  Well now.  Brexit was very big at the time.CHILD: I've heard of that.  But we don't do it until Year 8.  What was the next biggest thing?DADDY: Oh darling it was so long ago I hardly remember.CHILD: Oh please daddy, Please.  Tell me something big you advised the people of Chiswick  about.DADDY: Well now.  Coronavirus itself was very very important.CHILD: Oh yes, I know that.  Lots of people died.  Were you advising all the doctors?DADDY: Not the doctors.  There were scientists involved everywhere.CHILD: Wow! You were advising all the doctors and all the scientists of Chiswick, weren't you?DADDY: No no no, not really.  Not quite as such. CHILD: Daddy you're such a hero.  Now I can tell my friends what you did in the crisis.DADDY: Remember, it wasn't only about science and medicine.  Cycle lanes were very important too.CHILD: Cycle lanes!DADDY: And joggers!  Jogging was a very important issue back then.CHILD: What's jogging daddy.DADDY: It's what people do when they go out for a run.CHILD: Were you an important jogging adviser then?DADDY: I don't know about important but yes, I did advised on jogging.CHILD: What sort of advice did you give daddy?DADDY: Erm – I advised joggers to jog wisely.    And help stop the spread of coronavirus.CHILD: Is that all you did daddy?DADDY: Of course not darling.  But the jogging problem was tied up with the pavement problem along with the bicycle problem.  Which was connected to the pedestrian problem and people taking up far too much space and some people sweating a lot, getting out of breath and doing lots and lots of spitting.  But that wasn't all, we then had to add up the percentages to tell people what percentage of people did what and what percentage of households did what and when they did it and when they didn't do it so that people knew what was going on and more importantly what wasn't going on but should have been going on.CHILD: With spitting?DADDY: Bedtime darling......

Stuart Kerr ● 2372d

Thank you, that made me laugh.

Andrew Jones ● 2372d

.. many thanks Andrew...I do believe I had in mind just two of our most prolific forum posters (not Ken).  Two chaps of such incredible ego and ridiculous sense of self importance that they've been spending their living hours for months on end - looking down on their multitude of inferiors on this site and branding folk morons, thick idiots and hapless dimwits whenever it seems inappropriate..  How you lot put up with them is a mystery to me.  But that's your affair......this gentle skit is for them......glad you laughed...

Stuart Kerr ● 2372d

Thanks Stu, that was a joy :-)But I think it’s more than just two of our number who need to hang our heads in shame.Blush.

Alastair Banton ● 2372d

Very amusing, Stuart, if a little unsubtle. I could see the characters you had in mind long before you got to the end. By the way, in your post-post (if you see what I mean) explanation, you forgot "dullards". Perhaps slightly less offensive than the rest of the quiver-full of insults, but a key feature none the less.

Robert Fish ● 2372d

Wonderful, sums upThis forum beautifully.  People who think they’re amusing by being rude about other lesser mortals.  Dullard is actually very offensive 😘

Maggie Dodge ● 2372d

I think wazzock strikes the right balance and is not too offensive.

Ben Gemmingen ● 2372d

Excellent SK.I wonder if our resident core of know-alls on every conceivable subject on earth recognised themselves and allowed themselves a chuckle.I doubt it.

Denis Fox ● 2371d

A much needed laugh, thanks Stuart

Loraine Pemberton ● 2371d

I very rarely read King Dullard’s posts as they do go on and on and on zzzzzzzzzzz, opps sorry, but this one is a belter, absolutely hilarious and nice to see other usual Kerr fans, Ben, Robert et all,kissing his ring to keep his post going. Sorry but I fell asleep after the 5 th line twice. Anyway keep them coming Stuart as you can see you have such a great following or did your post just send everyone else to sleep as it has been very quiet lately. I will try reading  through it tonight in full!

James Smith-Jones ● 2371d

James darling -  you're in the wrong place..This threads for 'Silly Sketches'.  You just want to take your trousers down and have someone smack your bottom.  So that'll be 'Bottom Smacking' - along the corridor in Room 6.

Stuart Kerr ● 2371d

'Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?'

Keith Iddon ● 2370d